You can rewire your brain to respond less anxiously and more effectively to stressful parenting moments by repeatedly practicing thinking and behaving in new, more adaptive ways. But it can be hard to muster the emotional energy required to bring about change. Your brain is used to doing things the way it has most frequently done them in the past. It’s easier and feels more comfortable to stick with what you know, because your brain’s default mode is to take the strongest, most familiar neural pathway. Just as hikers create the well-worn central groove in the trail, your every engagement in the same parental behavioral repertoire makes your brain more likely to respond that way in the future.
Actively choosing to forge a new path takes extra effort up front. But soon enough this new path will also become well worn, and eventually it will be just as easy to travel it. By strengthening neural pathways associated with calm, effective parenting, your brain will more automatically activate these more adaptive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Take a few minutes to contemplate and write down your answers to the parenting questions below.
- If you had a magic wand and on the count of three—poof!—you were no longer struggling with parenting stress and anxiety, how would your life look different?
- What would you be doing at this very moment (besides not reading this book)?
- What activities would you be engaging in?
- What are you missing out on because of the time and energy you spend feeling stressed, anxious, worried, and/or overwhelmed?
- What aspects of life do you value the most, and how much time in your current life are you spending engaging in them?
Here’s how one of our parent clients completed this exercise:
If I had a magic wand and could drastically decrease the amount of parenting stress and anxiety I experience, the first thing that comes to mind is that I would be more present in my daily life. If I wasn’t so chronically overwhelmed, I would be able to sit down for dinner with my family and really listen and share in the laughter and conversation at the table instead of being consumed by my own thoughts. I would have more time to spend with my children instead of encouraging them to play without me because I’m “too stressed” to spend that time with them. I might even be more able to trust that my kids can handle what comes their way, rather than spending so much energy trying to shield them from the less-than-ideal parts of life. Less anxiety and stress would also allow me to be a better version of myself in my relationship with my husband. Instead of my being in my head and worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, we could spend more time together chatting and unwinding at the end of the day like we used to. If my parenting stress was minimized, I would feel more at peace and more able to move through the obstacles that our family faces from time to time, rather than feeling paralyzed or spiraling when challenges do arise. I know life with less stress and anxiety wouldn’t be without challenges, but it would mean more peace and more joy.
How This Exercise Is Rewiring Your Parent Brain
Your parent brain needs encouragement to invest your energy in this brain rewiring work rather than going with your familiar thinking and parenting patterns. By engaging in this exercise, you were able to jump-start the rewiring process and solidify your motivation. There may be times, as you move throughYour Brain on Parenting this training program, that your brain will protest this work. In those moments, have this exercise handy to remind yourself of your goals and desires, and to help you visualize what your life can and will be once you train your parent brain to operate with greater ease.
