If you’ve ever been caught off guard by a thought that feels completely out of character, you’re not alone. These are known as ego-dystonic thoughts — intrusive ideas that clash with your core values and sense of self.
Dr. Debra Kissen breaks down what ego-dystonic thoughts are, why they occur, and how understanding them can help you feel more grounded and less overwhelmed.
Ego-dystonic thoughts are not dangerous — just distressing. They often pop up out of nowhere, uninvited and unwanted, leaving you wondering, “Why would I even think that?” But here’s the key: these thoughts don’t reflect who you are. In fact, they’re usually the exact opposite of what you believe in or want. That’s why they’re so upsetting — they go against your core values.
It’s important to remember that a scary thought is not the same thing as a scary action. Having a disturbing idea — like “What if I lost control?” — doesn’t mean you will act on it. In fact, these thoughts tend to latch on to what matters most to you. The more you care about being a good parent, loving partner, ethical person, or safe human in the world, the more likely it is that intrusive thoughts will target those exact roles. It’s like your anxiety picks the most precious part of your identity and says, “What if you ruined this?”
Many people try to fight these thoughts by pushing them away, distracting themselves, or mentally “checking” to make sure they’re not a bad person. But this mental tug-of-war often backfires. The more you try not to think something, the more it sticks. This is known as thought suppression rebound. The classic example? Try not to think of a pink elephant — and watch what happens.
That’s where Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) comes in. ERP is a gold-standard CBT approach for managing ego-dystonic intrusive thoughts. Instead of avoiding or neutralizing the thought, ERP teaches you to face it head-on — to allow the thought to be there without engaging, checking, or trying to make it go away. Over time, your brain learns: “This is just noise. I can handle this. I don’t need to take it seriously.” And with that, the fear loses its grip.
Intrusive thoughts don’t need to define you — and they definitely don’t need to control you. Understanding what they are (and what they’re not) is the first step toward taking your power back. At Light On Anxiety, we treat these types of intrusive thoughts with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) — a research-backed approach that helps reduce the power and distress of these unwanted thoughts over time.
Ready to take the first step toward understanding and managing intrusive thoughts? Our compassionate team is here to support you.
