By: Nina Deer
It’s officially fall sports season, and games are ramping up. Parents are spending their weekends at grass fields, golf courses, and courts, watching their children compete. They come prepared with lawn chairs, team snacks, cool towels, and plenty of Gatorade. When the game or match is over, you get in the car with your child, eager to debrief and hear all about how it went. But instead of being met with a lively, passionate play-by-play of the game, you hear:
“LEAVE ME ALONE!”
You’re just trying to show that you care. So why is your child putting up a wall?
Win or lose, games can produce a wide range of emotions: excitement, anger, sadness, exhaustion, fear of disappointing others, and more. During competition, the brain and body experience an increase in arousal, including the release of adrenaline. Adrenaline helps prepare the body for action by increasing heart rate, breathing, and blood flow to the muscles. This heightened state can help athletes respond quickly and perform under pressure.
That same heightened state can also be associated with the body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. After a game, your young athlete may still be physiologically activated even though the competition is over. Their nervous system may need some time to shift out of that heightened state and return to a calmer baseline.
Your child may appear shut down, irritable, quiet, or exhausted. They may also be replaying moments from the game in their head, worrying about a mistake, or thinking about what they could have done differently. These reactions can be a normal response to the intensity of competition. Their brain and body may simply need time to process the experience before they are ready to talk about it.
After the Game: Tips for Parents
1. Offer them space.
Give your athlete some time to decompress before asking questions about the game. Their body may need time to shift from a heightened state back toward a calmer one.
2. Co-regulate with your child.
Your own nervous system can influence theirs. Try modeling slow, controlled breathing and maintaining a calm presence rather than immediately asking questions or discussing the game.
3. Praise effort over outcome.
Focus on what your child can control rather than whether they won or lost. Try phrases like:
- “You worked really hard today.”
- “I loved watching you play.”
- “It looked like you had fun out there.”
- “I’m proud of how you handled yourself.”
4. Let your child be the first to discuss the game.
You don’t have to immediately ask, “How did you play?” or “What happened?” Give your athlete the opportunity to bring up the game when they are ready.
5. Pay attention to your body language.
Your child can pick up on subtle cues. If you appear tense, disappointed, frustrated, or upset, they may interpret that as a sign that their performance was not good enough. Try to remain calm and positive-neutral, regardless of the outcome.
6. Stick to a normal routine after the game.
If you normally get ice cream after a win, get ice cream after a loss, too. Keeping routines consistent communicates that your relationship with your child does not depend on their performance or the outcome of the game.
7. Be encouraging and let the coach do the coaching.
Your child has a coach to provide technical feedback, instruction, and evaluation. Your role can be to provide support, encouragement, and a safe place to decompress after competition.
Parents play such an important role in their children’s sports journeys. By giving your child space, offering encouragement, and celebrating the process, not just the outcome, you can help support their resilience, confidence, and enjoyment of their sport.
