Let’s be honest: staying happily together over the long term is no walk in the park. I say this as both a psychologist and a person who’s spent a lifetime studying and thinking about what makes relationships work—and what makes them fall apart.
Long-term love isn’t just about good chemistry or finding your soulmate. It’s about developing some real-deal grown-up skills. After working with countless couples and reflecting on my own experience, I’ve come to believe there are seven essential relationship strengths that help couples not just survive, but thrive—despite the inevitable bumps along the way.
- The Ability to Commit
Choosing to commit to someone—flaws and all—is harder than it sounds. Many people delay settling down, holding out for “The One,” only to find that no one fully matches their ideal. Real commitment means accepting an imperfect person and letting go of perfectionism or chronic doubt. It’s not about settling—it’s about choosing.
- Emotional Maturity
Here’s the deal: maturity is the #1 predictor of relationship success. You need to be able to manage your own emotions, soothe yourself, and care about your partner’s needs even when yours feel louder. Conflict is inevitable, but mature couples can handle it without falling apart or blaming the other person for every frustration.
- Tolerance for Imperfection
No partner will ever meet every need or get everything right. In the beginning, love can feel magical—like you’ve found someone who truly gets you. But eventually, that idealized glow fades. What matters is how you deal with the real person behind the fantasy. Can you still love them when they miss the mark? That’s where staying power lives.
- Unconscious Wisdom
You might think you choose a partner by logic or luck, but I believe there’s a deeper wisdom at play. Often, people are drawn to someone who unconsciously balances out parts of themselves. A thinker might fall for a feeler. A planner might be drawn to someone spontaneous. Together, they help each other grow—if they can recognize the gift in those differences.
- Mature Dependence
Healthy love isn’t about being fused at the hip or fiercely independent—it’s about interdependence. It’s normal to swing between wanting closeness and needing space. But over time, couples need to find a rhythm that honors both connection and individuality. And yes, stereotypes have some truth: women often seek more emotional connection; men often pull back. The key is understanding the dance, not getting stuck in blame.
- Facing the Big Stuff
Long-term relationships bring us face-to-face with life’s hardest truths: aging, loss, and eventually, death. Whether we talk about it or not, there’s often a quiet fear behind everyday arguments—the fear of losing someone we deeply depend on. Being able to love fully while knowing it won’t last forever is one of the bravest things we can do.
- Humor and Play
Last but not least: laugh. Seriously. Being able to laugh together, especially when things get tough, is what makes relationships not just bearable, but joyful. A sense of humor helps couples bounce back from disappointment and reconnect when life or love gets messy.
Final Thoughts
Loving someone over decades takes work. No question about it. But if you focus on these seven strengths—and keep strengthening them—it’s a task that’s not only possible, but deeply rewarding.
Sure, not every couple makes it. But for those who do, it’s often the most meaningful accomplishment of their lives.
By Morton Kissen, Ph.D.
Reference
Kissen, M. (2003). Why is Marriage So Difficult? A Psychoanalyst’s Perspective. Psychoanalytic Social Work, 10(2), 5–19.
